Introduction
It started during my studies when I accompanied travel groups through faraway countries: my interest in the interaction between people. Even then, I realized how important it is to have a good basis of trust. After all, people in a foreign country in a foreign culture trusted me to make a trip an unforgettable memory for them. And the better I managed to build up the relationship quickly back then, the more enjoyment my guest groups and I had together.
Later, in my source profession as an AHS teacher, I soon experienced again that the key to teaching is a good relationship with the pupils. The better I was able to relate to the pupils at the time, the more "successful" the lessons were - it was a dynamic upward spiral: the better the relationship between me and the classes, the more I enjoyed teaching; the more I enjoyed teaching, the more engaging I made my lessons; the more engaging I made my lessons, the more enthusiastic and involved the pupils were in the lessons,...
In my current work as a consultant, trainer and coach, I am more aware than ever of the importance of this skill: I need to establish a good relationship with my participants as quickly as possible in order to be able to work with them on their issues and goals in an in-depth, sustainable and professional manner.
Entering into a relationship - Otto Scharmer's Theory U
The secret, or rather the scientific basis behind it, can be found in Theory U by Otto Scharmer. In it, he describes the quality of communication between people in four stages. While the first stage is all about the ego and we don't really listen, the second stage is more factual and the third stage is emotional in the truest sense of the word: here, communication takes place in such a way that we try to understand what something is doing to the other person on an emotional level - empathic listening. Finally, the fourth stage is about "sensing" possible potential without talking to each other. In my experience, this stage can also be achieved using analog methods such as vision work with Lego Serious Play and is indescribably beneficial.
In my consulting processes and seminar settings, I have always endeavored to lead the participants to the third level as quickly as possible by working together. Once this has been achieved, it is much easier and more successful in the long term to deal with the issues on a factual level. When I open up to my counterpart and reveal things/feelings about myself, I create trust. Good collaboration can only be based on mutual trust - and I'm not talking about being best friends with all our colleagues from now on, nor am I talking about "soul striptease".
And in practice?
This may sound quite obvious, but the question still arises as to how this can be achieved right at the start of processes. Of course, it depends very much on how well the participants already know each other (TOOLBOX):
Participants still know each other very little:
Use picture cards to pick up how to get to the event or the start of the process. There are different picture cards on the floor. First, the participants spontaneously look for the picture cards that correspond to their own feelings. After a brief exchange in marble groups, individual flashes are brought to the plenary.
Participants know each other a little or occasionally work together:
In a guided interview, the participants exchange views in the form of a speed dating session on questions that become increasingly "personal". For each question, you spend about 2 minutes talking to 3 people, for example. The exchange takes place at a pleasant signal from me. The following sequence of questions, for example, has worked well:
- I have managed to do this well at work over the last 6 months...
- I joined our organization because...
- The best day of my work was...
- I really want to retire...
- If I hit six in the lottery, ...
Participants already know each other well:
In this case, I have had the best experience of working with values . A lot of conflicts and offenses happen in the area of values. This makes it all the more important to become aware of our own values and to learn about the values of our colleagues. How else can we VALUE our counterparts? As an introduction to the topic, I often work with a model to illustrate how important our values are to us. Then the participants are given a handout with around 160 terms (values) and the task is to find the 10 most important values for themselves and to name the 3 most important of these 10. The subsequent exchange can either take place again in a speed dating session or, even better, in groups of three with those people who are thought to have different values.
Conclusion
If we are able to engage in empathic listening with our counterpart, we are in a very good relationship with each other. If we manage to do this, our collaboration will be harmonious, productive and goal-oriented.
As a consultant, trainer and coach, it is important to me to have a good relationship with my clients. It is just as important to me to support the participants in my events in their relationship work. This ultimately enables them to master other challenges with more joy and ease through new perspectives and increased understanding.
Book tip:
C. Otto Scharmer: "Essentials of Theory U, Basic Principles and Applications"; Carl-Auer Verlag, Heidelberg 2019